The brain on. . . well, itself

Today I took the leap: no more brain pills.

I have no idea how or whether this experiment is going to work out, but frankly, I’ve had it.

In about three and a half years, I’ve gone through every single psychoactive pharmaceutical known to man, with the possible exception of peyote and mushroom juice (and really, who knows what they actually put in those pills? Could contain either of those, or pulverized caterpillar guts, or anything else). This, after 25 years of what passed for a reasonable facsimile of stability on the same drug. Evidently, my entire body chemistry changed overnight—or at least without the required 30 days’ notice.

A few of the experimentals worked to some degree and at least made the greasy black cloud less dense. Some made me feel pretty good. But nearly all came with completely unacceptable side effects (ask Snaotheus what it’s like to watch me try to bring a glass of water to my mouth). Several of them sent me to urgent care. Thanks to those embedded redhead genes, I even had side effects and adverse reactions that no one else has ever had (or at least that aren’t listed as possible).

Having run through every drug that’s been around long enough to have a generic, my pdoc started trying the new ones (read: Pay $$$$$$$$ to be a beta tester). The side effects on those are really scary: strokes, diabetes, excessive bleeding, death. They’re like those drugs advertised on TV that I laugh at because the side effects sound much worse than the disease they’re supposed to fix. Hell, the depression itself can cause death; who needs to add to that?

So today I gave up. Last of the $$$$-and-give-me-tremors-and-insomnia-that-are-not-supposed-to-happen-to-anyone-ever brain pills are gone. My pdoc is okay with this; he is also baffled that every. single. possible. pharmaceutical crapped out on me Or, depending on the pill, crapped on me.
I am now officially the proud (?) owner of a diagnosis of treatment-resistant major depressive disorder.

And off I go into the wild unknown. Here Be Dragons.

Posted by wordsmith

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